The Really Short Dating Book
Note from the Author
Greetings to my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ Jesus, and to those of you who are not of my spiritual family. This book (or lack thereof...more like a booklet or pamphlet) was not written because the world needs more “dating” books. Believe me...we do not need more. Books from “I kissed dating goodbye” to “Dateable” (I have read both of these) have greatly helped others in their questions about when and why and who and where to date. That is why this book does not deal with the questions normally confronted in today’s dating books. You see, when push comes to shove and the rubber hits the road, the fact of the matter is that almost everyone dates. Even people that read “I kissed dating goodbye” date. Also, just a quick FYI ( that’s ‘for your information’ for those of you above the age 30)...when I use the word “date” that includes “courting”. This book is not about the differences between the two. You see...I believe people worry too much about the difference between the definition of the two and forget about the definition of “LOVE”...of what it actually means to care for someone. So those of you who are almost 16 and eligible to date (or whatever age is the age of eligibility these days), you may take a sigh of relief. This book is not condemning dating. Nope. From what I’ve heard dating is awesome, and I can’t wait to have my first girlfriend. However, I have also heard that dating can be heart-breaking, relationship-shattering, pride-crashing, emotion-building, tear-instigating. This book is written that you may date while getting all the good God meant for you without getting the crud Satan made for you.
Chapter One
“What this book is NOT”
I once was recommended a book entitled “Do Hard Things”. I was excited to read it. I read the first three chapters, and put it down, never to open it again. Why? Because it was full of foolishness and evil? No. Because it was boring. The first three chapters kept telling me to keep reading to learn how to change my life. I didn’t want to keep reading about how I should keep reading. I wanted to just know how to “do hard things”. I never learned, because they didn’t tell me soon enough. I’m not getting down on the book. From what I’ve heard, many have been blessed by the book. My attention span just isn’t large enough to read that long without learning anything. So, I can say honestly, “Read Chapter Two and you will learn how God can change your dating life.”
Chapter Two
“How far is ‘too far’?”
Sorry about how short chapter one was. Okay...here we go. Take your Bible and turn to I Timothy 5:1-2. I do not put the verses here in this book because I want you to look it up for yourself, rather than believe what I say. You can read it for yourself from your own version, in your own way, and let God teach you through it. Side note. Read your Bible every day. It will change your life. I’ll write a book on that later. Back to this book though. Read that verse again. Do you see what I’m seeing? You hear what I’m hearing? Let me break this verse down and put it in my own words. I’m not changing the meaning. This verse could also be read, “treat EVERY girl (my point in capitalizing “every” is to simply point out that your girlfriend or future girlfriend would be included in this category) like you would treat your sister. WOW!!! Why have I never read this before in another dating book.
Kids my age (19) ask this question ALL the time...”How far is too far?” I laugh immediately to that question because usually the question is being asked to find out how FAR you can go in a relationship instead of how far you can stay AWAY from the line between sin and “okay”. I’ve heard many many speakers, who have been discussing dating for double digit years, answer this question by saying, “Well, the Bible doesn’t really specify how far you can go, or when you can start kissing, or when you can start making out, or snuggling,” or etc. The way most teens respond to this is “COOL!” However, I am here to write to you that each one of these speakers twenty times more qualified to write a book about dating than I are WRONG!!! Am I proud. No. God simply showed me a verse they must have missed. Read that verse again. If you agree with me that this verse signifies that we should treat our girlfriend like our sister (boyfriend like brother), then keep reading. If not, throw this in the fire and tell me where I err. So, to those of you still reading...I want you to think of something. When was the last time you made out with your sibling of the opposite gender? Last time you let your hands wander under the sheets while watching a movie? Last time you played footsie? Last time you had sex? I know. I know. That is sick and very weird. But these are so often the things that teens or anyone dating wants to know if they can do or not. The answer is found in the verse you have hopefully read three times by now. Go ahead. Read it again. Would you have sex with your sister? Would you make out with her? Never thought about it this way? Neither had I. I think this so so so so so simple to understand. Everyone told me that God had nothing to say about dating. They were all wrong. God is so so so interested in every single area of our lives. Do you think He just sits in Heaven kicking Himself saying, “UH! I forgot to tell them ‘how far too far was! I’ll remember when I make the next world!”? NO! Of course not. God knew we would have questions about dating. So He gave us answers.
Now, on the other hand...would you hold hands with your sister? I do. Granted my family is probably closer than most families, but all the same. Of course I will hold my sisters hand on a walk. She’s my sister. I’m her older brother. She means the world to me, and it’s my job to protect her. When asked what the most romantic thing in the world is, many would answer a kiss, some flowers, some sex, some a wink. For me, holding hands is the most possible romantic thing in the world. Lame? I don’t think so. Holding hands represents unity. When a guy holds a girls hand, he is telling her that he would rather be with no one else. He will lead her to the best ending possible. He is saying that he is there for her if she falls. He will protect her from anyone that would harm her. My sister means that much to me. If I am ever blessed with a girlfriend, by God’s grace, that is what I will feel toward my girlfriend. Do I sit by my sister and put my arm around her during a movie? Absolutely. When we’re on a car trip, do I let my sister lay her head on my shoulder as she sleeps? That’s what my shoulder is for. But WHAT ABOUT KISSING!? Don’t worry. I didn’t forget about that. But you know what I find funny? Why is kissing so pleasurable? Well, I shouldn’t even say that with such certainty. The last girl I kissed on the lips that wasn’t related to me was...never. I’m just going by what they tell me. Why isn’t a hand shake pleasurable, and we just kiss people when we meet them? Who knows. But for whatever reason kissing is just the awesome thing to do. I have two things to say on this topic. First, would you kiss your sister? I kiss my sister on the cheek when I go on a trip or some nights before bed. A sign of love. Do I kiss her on the lips. No. Some people might though. So should you kiss your girlfriend? This is the one area that I believe is up to you completely. BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT...before you put this book down and drive to your boyfriend’s house to kiss him, hear my second point.
Like I said, I have never kissed a girl before. I am also incredibly excited to do so. I can’t wait to find that one that steals my heart when she speaks my name. To walk through the fields hand in hand looking up at the stars reflected in her eyes. To get caught outside in the thunderstorm, and kiss her in the pouring rain as lightening crashes all around us. I can’t wait. But I am waiting, because I want her to be the only one. Does that mean you’re a loser if you’ve already kissed? Of course not. But just remember, every time you give something away for the first time, you can never get it back. If my wife has already kissed another man, I will still love every second of kissing her.
“But kissing is so romantic!” You want to know what is REALLY romantic? When a man and wife kiss, and neither of them have ever kissed before. They aren’t really sure how to even do it. They both lean in awkwardly, and exchange that priceless gift together. That’s romantic.
Chapter Three
“Why wait?”
As I already said. The first reason to wait, is because the more you save, the more you can give to the one God saved for you. The second reason is this. The more you love someone, the less you should do physically with them. You see, if you have a really good friend of the opposite gender, the last thing you should be doing engaging in is physical contact. I mean everything! One thing I think has even gotten out of hand is hugging. Careful how you hug a male, ladies. Males are a bunch of sick-minded creatures that take any opportunity for enjoyment. Does that mean stop hugging? No. Just be careful. Men...be careful too!
The reason so many relationships fall off the ladder of relationship is because when climbing to each “next step”, couples always forget to take the first step.
Step One: Be friends.
It’s so simple, and so neglected. The best days between two lovers is when you are friends. Laugh. Keep laughing with each other. Forget about the worries of “status”. “Status” is the stupidest word I have ever heard of. The truth of the matter is that relationships shouldn’t be about statuses or steps. When you fall in love it should catch you by surprise. One day you and your boyfriend are best friends, but one night while cooking smores, something bizarre happens. She takes her flaming marshmallow out of the flames. She frantically tries to blow out the flames. After succeeding, she proceeds to take the mallow off the stick and put it on the graham cracker. She then puts Hershey's chocolates on top, and adds the top cracker. Bringing it her mouth she takes her first bite. Crumbs fall onto her jeans. Chocolate stains her lips. Before you know it, the smore is gone. Her mouth is full of sticky whiteness and chocolate. She looks ridiculous. And then she looks at you. You laugh out loud because she looks so funny, but inside something is telling you that this chocolate-mouthed girl is the only one in the world for you. In that moment you know that you want to see this sticky-handed girl every night. You smile at how lame it sounds. She notices you smile, and mouth still full, asks what’s so funny, pieces of chocolate falling out in the process. And that’s when your heart and your soul and your mind simultaneously agree that the feeling inside of you is real.
Now, I realize that I most likely botched the point I was trying to make, but hopefully you salvaged something from it. All I’m trying to say is that love isn’t as complicated as we try to make it. You see, if you enjoy drama and breaking hearts, keep on dating the guy who is popular, and the girl who flirts with you. Date them for two weeks like you do, make out every night, and dump her for the homecoming queen. Dump him for the new starting quarterback. Go ahead. You’ll always have the best, the most popular. But you will regret it. I promise. I guarantee. You will look at the kid who always sat by himself at lunch. You know, that kid you made fun of for staying pure and not kissing. He is happily married. Got three kids. Cute, smart kids. He didn’t kiss once in his life. Never had sex. Didn’t make out with that girl that asked him to. And you want to know something funny? He doesn’t regret it. He’s happier because of it.
So why wait? To put it simply...you’ll be glad you did.
Chapter Four
“What to look for”
So, now you know how far too far is. You know why your waiting. But who do you date, or if you’re already dating, is he/she the right one? Why in the world are you asking a guy that hasn’t ever dated? Well, since you did, I’ll give you my best advice.
1. Date someone who wants to wait too. Do NOT date someone you have to convince to wait. Why? Because it will be so much harder to say no when...not if...when he asks you to cross the line you’ve drawn. If you date a guy/girl who is excited to save his firsts for his wife, you are most likely dating a good man/woman. If you are a believer, do NOT date someone who does not share your faith. The Bible says in 2 Corinthians 6:14 that we are not to be “unequally yoked.” This means a Christian should not marry an unbeliever. Why? It will be hard. Marriage is about sharing everything and giving up everything to your spouse. You will not be able to share the one thing that means everything to you. He will not be there for you when you’re struggling in your faith, and he may indeed be the cause of your struggling.
2. Marry someone who wants to be your second love. Marry someone so in love with Jesus that he looks forward to being with Jesus so much more than being with you. And at the same time, thanks God every day for the time He has given him with you. Why am I talking about marriage? Because that should be why we date. Why date if you’re not doing so with the purpose of someday getting married. Dating becomes entertainment, a game. As I said in the previous chapter, I think statuses are stupid. In the same sense I think the word “dating” is annoying. You know when relationships always seem to fail? When a title is put in the relationship. As soon as both partners realize that they have taken a new step in their relationship, they both freak out. Suddenly they think they must act differently. Now, obviously you’ll know when things are more serious than they used to be, but let that encourage you to be yourself. If you became amazing friends by being yourself without physical contact, why can’t you pursue your relationship by being yourself without physical contact?
3. Date someone who understands that you are NOT everything. This is where humility comes in. Like I said, for those who are believers, make sure Jesus Christ is your boy/girlfriend’s everything. You are second. And a far down second at that. Everything we do should be to bring glory and honor and praise to our Savior. That includes everything you do with your friend. Let everything you do together praise God. Everything. Pray together. Study God’s Word together. The purpose of marriage is for a man and a woman to join together to become one greater person for Christ. The purpose of dating would then be to find out if you are meant to be joined, and while you’re searching for the answer, glorifying God through your dating. You see, today’s stereotype for dating is so sad. That’s probably why some Christians use the word “courting” instead. Dating is often identified with back seat, hours-long making out, bikini-clad girls “tanning” on the beach with their boyfriend beside or on top of them, condoms, and abortions when the condoms don’t work. Now, I’m not here to start a rebellion against this view of dating. But maybe, God willing, I can encourage you to become the rebel. What if the world looked at unbelievers and saw sex, drinking, abortions, drop outs, and eventual divorces in their dating? But then they looked at Christian dating and saw true love; a couple holding hands, eating a DQ cone, walking through the park; two starting a Bible study in their school; and eventual marriages that lasted to death like our vows used to say. Try to understand the impact we could have on the world!
4. Date someone who understand it may not work out. Even if you do everything right, stay away from physical contact, and look to God for everything you do, it just makes sense that some still won’t be meant for each other. Do not confuse this with dating someone who EXPECTS it to not work out. Stay far away from them. They will use any excuse to dump you when they feel like it. Now, does this mean that you will never get hurt? No. Any relationship that ends will be hard. But think about this. Which will be the harder break-up?
- The guy your friend introduced you to that you thought was amazing. You dated him the next week. On your fourth date you gave away your first kiss, and he dumped you. It’s awkward even seeing him for a long time.
- Your best friend. You spent years hanging out. Everything you do is clean and Godly. You even work together in your church. You feel like He is the one. But when you tell him how you feel, he tells you he doesn’t feel it’s God’s will.
I hope your answer is B, but I understand that neither is easy. Now, just as the guy in scenario A is probably a jerk, the guy in scenario B, may just as easily be a jerk. He may be completely sincere, and just have always viewed you as an awesome friend. But...he may also just be giving you the “God card”. He led you on to think that you would be married one day. He even talked about how many kids you would have. But then you find out he actually likes someone else, and before you know it he is dating them. If a guy simply fools you, there is nothing you can do about that. That is why you wait to date. The longer you know a guy/girl, the longer you are friends, the better friends you will be, and the better you will know each other. You are less apt to get fooled. Some guys or girls may fool you their entire lives. There is nothing you can do about this. Any relationship is dangerous. That is why I am so adamant on saving everything for my wife. If I wait for marriage, even though I may be hurt incredibly bad through a dating experience, I will still have all my “firsts”.
1. Date someone who truly loves you. Love is the most important thing in the world. Without love, the world would not have been made. God would not have spared Noah when He destroyed the earth. God would not have chosen a people to follow him. God would not have sent His Son to save the world. Jesus would not come back for His bride. Look for a man/woman who is looking for nothing from you. Look for someone who simply wants to, as Relient K puts so well, “give until there’s nothing left.” Look for a servant.
2. Do not marry someone who is interested in your body. Now, I understand that every guy (I can’t speak for the ladies) notices the way the a girl looks. It’s impossible for us not to. So if we like you as more than a friend, it’s a given that we think you’re breath-taking. Now, I understand it is difficult for you to know a guy’s intentions, but you can also play a part in this, ladies. If a guy is just looking for a body, he will go for someone who’s body he can see. So, if you wish to be rid of such men, do not show them your body. And NO...this does not mean that you can’t stay up with the latest fashions. I assure you that there are plenty of “in” clothes that are just fine. Now, the other 50 percent lies in the guy. So guys, just stop looking. Sheesh. You are a bunch of idiots (myself included). Now I come to a point I feel very strongly about that many may disagree with. You may even get mad at me, and that’s fine. I just want to give my opinion, and hopefully the opinion of other guys. Girls. Be VERY careful how you dress at the beach when guys are present. DO NOT WEAR BIKINIS!!! PLEASE!!! To me it seems like you just forgot to get dressed! What do you think is going through a guy’s head at the beach. “Boy, the waves are nice today. Good breeze. Awesome temperature. Probably good fishing.” NO! If he’s not concerned about you, just your body, he’s thinking: “Wow, her body is FINE!” But if he is trying to live a Godly life and respect you, because he loves you, he is thinking: “God, this is so hard! She looks awesome, but I don’t even know how to hang out with her. I can’t even be myself. When I talk to her I have to look a foot above her head. Help her to wear more clothes next time.” So girls. Date someone who asks you to wear more clothes. Don’t take offense to this. Don’t think less of the guy. If a guy asks you to wear more clothes, he is a good man. Men, ask girls to wear more clothes. Don’t feel awkward telling them. I just told them you would ask.
Chapter Five
“Love like Jesus...even when you fight”
Dating is about marriage. Marriage is about love. Jesus is love. So when it comes right down to it, if you’re looking for the perfect example to follow...follow Jesus. He taught those He loved. He served them. He healed them. He spent time with them. He stood up for them. He prayed for them. He suffered for them. He died for them. He rose for them. If you can find a date who fits this...to you I say, “Well done.” Also, 1 Corinthians 13 is an amazing chapter to read to find out how to love. But I’ll let you read that for yourself.
One more thing before we go to our last chapter. You and your date will fight. If you don’t, something is probably wrong. Back to me and my sister. We...fight...all...the...time. And you know what, we are so much closer because of it. Am I condoning fighting. No. Don’t try to fight. Fighting in itself is bad. However, you can use a fight and turn it into a lesson. Learn from your fights. Learn your date’s likes...dislikes...habits...and fears. Don’t be worried if you and your date fight. Be worried if you fight about the same thing twice. Twice means you didn’t learn from the last time, and if you didn’t learn from the last time, you didn’t change something you should have changed. Remember, dating is not about you. I don’t care if your girlfriend doesn’t make ANY sense. Do it her way (unless it’s not Scriptural). People are quirky. Your boyfriend will be quirky. That’s okay. Think about it. If you really want your own way, then submit. Because if your boyfriend takes this advice too, he’ll submit first and you’ll get your way anyway. It’s a no-brainer! So go ahead. Pull out the gloves and get in the ring. Ding! There goes the bell. FIGHT! But after that fight, never fight about that again. After that fight, be better friends because of what you learned. Fighting is often started by rebuke. Jesus rebuked many people, but he also did it in love. Rebuke your date when they are in the wrong, but don’t do it for any other reason than for their own good. Fight with love.
Chapter Six
“In Conclusion”
Dating is not about you. It’s about God first, and then about your boyfriend/girlfriend. Be a servant. If you ask nothing of your partner and he/she asks nothing in return of you, what a Godly relationship you could have! Also, the things I have said in this short book-like thing do not lead to a boring dating experience. There is so much romantic, amazingly awesome, fun-filled, life-time memories that Godly dating can bring. And you’ll have no regrets, no matter what happens. I will leave you with this. Do not date someone without dating Jesus first. Read your Bible as often as you would want to hang out with your girlfriend. Pray as often as you would want to be with that boy. If you’re not madly in love with Jesus, you are not ready to be in love with someone else.
Jesus is love. Follow His example.
James Knoop
